Dinner with My Love

My partner David and I shamelessly spent this past Saturday in our pajamas. We did nothing. Well almost. We did manage to binge on reality TV shows via the internet. I cleaned the oven and did a few dishes. We ate. In an effort to make myself feel like less of a slob I did do a few stomach crunches and vertical flys with light weight in front of the computer. Mostly we laughed our asses off at people less advantaged and intelligent than ourselves. How lovely we are. Around 4:30 or so we decided the nonsense marathon needed to stop. We dressed ourselves or eachother, (I am not sure) and drove an hour away to eat dinner at a well reviewed restaurant called The Frog and Turtle. The restaurant was well appointed and the food was not perfect but still delicious. I stared lovingly at my man , his eyes lit by the candle at our table and thought to myself, "What did I do to deserve such a loving, gorgeous man?" As I stared at him adoringly he said to me,
"Hey, you know that desert that we bought last night? There is only one left and I just want to tell you, I am eating it all. You can't have any so if you want something sweet you are going to need to make other plans."

Hello B Keeper,
I am in the process of divorcing after a very long, unhappy marriage. I have noticed that many couples that were our friends act differently towards me since my separation. Specifically they seem stand-offish and aloof when we meet or speak. I still like them just as before but clearly the relationship has changed. What are your thoughts about how I might keep these friendships as vital as they were when I was married?

Dear Blogger,
Realtionships are constantly renewing, changing, sometimes dying. Divorce as I am sure you know, is not a "comfortable process". It is still considered "taboo" in certain circles. Chances are that your decision to "leap into the void" has brought up uncomfortable feelings for your friends. They might feel put on the spot to pick sides even if you are not asking them to do so. Also, having lived in long marriages themselves, surely there have been times where they have at least considered separation even if in secret. Your decision to follow through is most likely causing then to feel a little insecure, a little fearful perhaps, who knows,. maybe even jealous. They (and you) might not know how to shift gears having spent time in a couple's dynamic. All this and more explains their attitudes. Give it some time and MAKE AN EFFORT to STAY IN TOUCH with them even if it is awkward. Persistance will pay off in these situations. If you are honest with them about what is going on you might find that your friendship is more enhanced; closer than before. Mention that you have felt awkward and that you miss your relationships with them. Openess and honesty is always the best policy within friendships we treasure. If they do not respond, let them go. It is then time to form new friendships. Good Luck To You! ~The BeeKeeper

Anonymous said...

I feel like I've been in love and know what that feels like, but I have a long string of failed relationships behind me. How do I know if I'm actually in love or just scared of being alone? I find myself inextricably attracted this amazingly beautiful and present person. But how do I know that it's not just because I've been alone and am scared? How can I be sure I'm not about to cause more hurt and destruction?

The B Keeper said...
Dear Anonymous,
First things first: it is okay to feel your fear of being alone and also to acknowledge the risk involved in endeavouring another relationship. Both of these fears are normal and human. Sit down and do some writing about this. What was it about your past relationships that did not work? What do you want in a partner? What does this new person have to offer and what do you have to offer? Are your long term goals compatible with this person? Lastly, what does it feel like for you to be alone? It is perfectly human to experience lonliness when we do not have a partner to share our lives with. However, if you find yourself unable to enjoy the time that you spend with yourself (alone) you may need to examine this more closely. We cannot have successful relationships with others if we do not have a healthy relationship with ourselves. Are you fully invested in your life or are you only looking for someone to distract you from the work that you need to be doing on yourself? If you have acted destructively in past relationbships you must be very honest with yourself about what motivated that behavior and what needs to change WITHIN YOU so that pattern does not repeat itself. Good Luck!! ~the beekeeper